Complex
by Lli
Summary: Artemis isn't the only one feeling guilty after everything they've been through. Hollycentric.


A thought that hit me after listening to too much Florence. TAC SPOILERS. Sort of. Bold italics belone to Florence Welch.

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Complex

**_I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me._**

**_I'm not calling you a thief, just don't steal from me._**

**_I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me._**

How many years? How many years have you been following me? I could have you done for stalking if only I wouldn't miss you after the restraining order. And besides, do I really think they could keep you away? Yeah. Right.

Look, I'm not saying that this is too much, that it's over the top, only that you're taking things a bit far. Seriously. When I wake up, I find you toying with my breakfast. When I go to sleep I find you in my bed. Doesn't that strike you as taking things too far? Because that's how it strikes me.

I know you aren't one to do things halfway but, seriously, you never leave me alone. You are always there. I am drowning in you. And when I dream ... oh, when I dream you are there too. Speaking in fours. Are you trying to tell me something with that? Are you trying to scare me? I'm not scared. What have I got to be scared of? What else can you do to me? What else can I do to myself?

How many years, you ask? You know just as well as I do, if not better. Maths was always your strong suit, not mine. Here's a clue, it's not a multiple of five. Does that worry you? It should.

We both know I'm not myself these days, that everything has changed. Except you. I thought I'd lost you, but here you are, the same as you ever were. It's me that's changed, me that's got lost and can't find my way back to myself.

But you, no, you're sitting pretty. You're taking everything away from me again. As usual. Why do you always do that? You give me something, something I can't have, and then you take it away. It drives me crazy. If I could live without you, Frond, believe me, I wouldn't hesitate. I'd jump at the chance to be free.

Don't you call me a liar, you're the one living a lie here. Hell, just living is a lie from you. But I believe you, we both know I'll always believe you. I always did. I always will, just as long as you don't leave me. Because what I want more than anything, even more than myself, is to know that you will never leave me again.

But I am trying. I'm trying to get back to myself.

I _am_.

Well, at least ... I was.

But ... it's just ... I'm so tired. I'm _so_ tired. Can't I stay here with you, instead? You can take me with you to where you went. That way, things would be right again. They were never right before, you know. And that was my fault. I should have ... I should have ... Frond, I should have done so many things. But then you went away and it was too late.

It's not too late now though, is it? How many years have you been with me now? I've lost count. But in them I've said everything that needed to be said. I've made everything right. Haven't I?

Yes, look, I _know_ this is madness. I know I should try to get back. But I don't want to. I know I should try to get free of you. But I don't _want_ to. I know that you are a lie, that you're stealing what's left of me, that you are a ghost, but I don't want to hear these things. I don't want to believe these things. Was this what it was like for you? Knowing the truth and refusing to believe it? Because it isn't really the truth, is it? No, it isn't. I know it isn't. Don't raise your eyebrows at me, it isn't true.

I don't want to know what you've done or where you went. You're here now, that's all that matters. And I won't ask you any questions, so long as you take me with you when you go. This time you have to take me with you. You always knew I couldn't do without you.

There's a difference, though, between 'can't' and 'won't'; between 'doing' and 'living'. I know that now. Yes, now that there's no point in knowing anything, I know that I can't live without you. That I _will not_ _live_ without you. And that I should have told you so before it was too late.

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_Notes from Dr. J. Argon's journal, September 1__st__, 2241:_

_Patient Short shows no sign of improvement. Despite my doubts, we have at last attempted electroshock therapy, at the urging of Commander Kelp and Mr. Foaly. Unlike in Fowl's case, it appears to have had no effect. Her schizophrenia manifests itself not in multiple personalities but in her belief that Fowl is still alive, and constantly with her. She has no personalities to vacillate between, only this "ghost" that haunts her._

_As always, she shows marked deterioration on his birthday, as with the day he died, despite the passage of time. Though she still occasionally demonstrates a clear understanding of her situation, all desire to heal and, therefore, ultimately quit Fowl's company, has entirely evaporated. Her attachment to his presence, his "ghost", has only become deeper over the years. Though we know already that his premature death at 57 sparked her descent into madness, what exactly the guilt is that feeds her Atlantis Complex will, I believe, go with her to the grave._

_Despite Foaly's optimism, I feel certain that her life is coming, at last, to its end. In the confines of my journal I will say that I believe that death is the kindest thing life will have dealt her in a long, long time._

**_I'm too tired to fight, I'm just going to lay right here._**

**_But I'm too angry to sleep without you near._**

**_I'm not at home with myself, but I'm not at home with you either._**

**_I'm too scared to leave, but I never seem safe here._**

**_But I love you so much that I'm going to let you kill me._**

- Florence and the Machine, _Ghosts_

**_

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_**It struck me that Artemis might not be the only one who could have something to feel guilty about**_.  
_**


End file.
